Fighting with myself

A scene at home feeling sad and fighting with myself:

Me (getting anxious): "Its been more than 36hrs since I have talked to him. I cant live like this anymore."
Inner voice: "Stop this non-sense and focus on your task. You have to do this to be strong and fight for him."

Me: "But I can talk to him once."
Inner voice: "No stupid. You have to fight first, you have to talk to your parents and get an answer for him. Only then you should talk to him."

Me (looking at my cousin and thinking): "OK. BUT what is she doing here since day before yesterday? She should have come here few days earlier or few days later. Why she had chosen this time? Otherwise I would be having a discussion right now."
Inner voice: "Not again stupid! You have an exam tomorrow morning. Doesn't matter she is here or not, you should be studying right now."

Me (making faces) switching on my laptop, trying to search what I need to study at this moment. As usual, first of all opening my emails and thinking of him.
Me: "I can at least ping him to ask how is he doing and tell him that I miss him."
Inner voice: "Just shut up now. You're giving me a headache. Focus on your exam and study you fool."

Me (again making faces) reading few topics for my exams and listening to songs to focus myself.
Cousin: "Hey di, what are u doing? What are you studying?"
Me (thinking): "Doesn't matter she is here, I have to study, I can't talk about him at present."
Me (talking to her): "I have an exam tomorrow morning, so I am preparing for that and side-by-side listening to songs on Youtube."

She (looking in my books): "What is this? What is it related to?"
Me: Its Aptitude and I am studying few new shortcuts to ease my calculations in the exam."

Inner voice: "Explain her fast and get yourself indulge in the studies. You don't have much time."
Me (thinking): "I hope I could have talked to him, I would have felt better and energized for the exam."

She: "What is your syllabus? What you have to study for your exam?"
Me: "Dear, the syllabus is easy but its level is high which makes it difficult. I have five sections, 200 questions and 120 minutes. This is an another factor that creates difficulty."

She: "OK, I can understand. You carry on and All the Best."
Me (smiling at her and thinking): "May be I could have said him to wish me luck as that matters for me the most."

Me again reading the topic I was reading and searching for few more topics to read. But still somewhere waiting to talk to him.

Me (thinking): "How I am gonna talk about him? What will I say to Mom? Is there any hope?"
***Sighs***
Me (thinking): "So I should be readying my weapons for the war as I am gonna have a fight for him on Monday if my cousin would have gone by then. By the way, How will I start?"
Inner voice: "Jerk, stop this otherwise you'll loose this chance. You know this is a very important exam as it will let you be in Jammu and you can be with him. So if you really love him and want to be with him, focus on your exam today and after that give your best."

Me: Its true, if I really love him I have to do something except thinking. I have to give my best to both my Career and my Relation. I have to fight for him and its better to make other things clear before I start that war. So I should give my 100 percent for the exam now and then 100 percent for the fight. I know its gonna be tough but I cant live without him and the proof is in front of me right at this moment. And thus if I really want to live I have to fight and I will do it. And I have to do that as early as possible cos even he would have been missing me; even he would have gone mad by now.

In the afternoon:
Me: So everything is decided, now I just have to make it practical. Oh God Please help me.

Finally focusing on my syllabus with a determined mind. Lets see what I'll do and how much I'll succeed. Wish me LUCK!!